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This is a blog about Truth, Justice and the American Way. The stories are true. No names have been changed to protect anyone's identity, including my own. If the story is about me, then I'll say so right up front. If I don't use a name to identify whom the story is about, then it's because it's not relevant. So please do not call me or e-mail me with your kind condolences or unwarranted congratulations about something that you believe is a cleverly disguised bio from my alter ego. These stories, like my photo, are unretouched.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Beaten by a Porn Site. Oh, the Shame!

Imagine my surprise at discovering that the Biz Bitch is into hard-core pornography, on-call dominatrices and bad rap music.  Bummer! 

It all started when I Googled “Biz Bitch” to make sure that my blog was getting good SEO.  For a couple of years now, I’ve prided myself on being the top three to four items on Google and Yahoo! search engines.  This made it easy for fans to find me.  They didn’t have to remember a whole URL; they simply Googled “Biz Bitch” and there I was, right at the top of the leader board. 

I’m still at the top but unfortunately, over the past year, a couple of interlopers have been slowly sneaking their way into my territory.  The first was the BizBitch.biz pornography site.  That was some scary hard-core stuff.  I had no idea that women and mules were so affectionate (giving new depth of meaning to the term “animal husbandry”).  I filed a complaint with InterNIC, which is licensed by the U.S. Department of Commerce, and suddenly the site disappeared.  This was good news for me but bad news, I suppose, for animal lovers.

Now I see that over on Yahoo! you can go to TheBitch.biz and order up your favorite dominatrix from Australia, Asia, Ghana and numerous places in the USA.  There’s a 31-year-old in Beijing who is currently looking for a sex slave.  Her name is Rainmaker; don’t ask what her specialty is.  They all seem to be willing to relocate, which is a big selling point, I guess.  You can order online with your credit card and get your domme mistress delivered, just like on eBay.  Is this a great country or what?   

They have a Featured Bitch (this month it’s Dora Johnson), a Photo Gallery and even Bitch Humor.  The site is educational, too.  Did you know that the plural of dominatrix is either dominatrixes or dominatrices?  Your choice! You can even watch the music video The Bitch Song by Bowling for Soup.  I didn’t bother listening to the song but I think that Bowling For Soup may be one of the all-time greatest band names ever.

My primary search engine rival these days seems to be Its Biz Bitch Radio on MySpace.  I didn’t think anyone over the age of 13 was even allowed on MySpace.  Its Biz Bitch, however, appears to be a 20-something guy of indiscriminate color who writes and records rap demos in his basement in Louisville, Kentucky.  What any of this has to do with business or bitches is beyond my comprehension.  Clearly he’s not hung up on pride of ownership because you can’t find his name anywhere on the site, but his fan club does list “members” such as Dirty, Foster, Mondo, Lil J, Lush, and Bizzy Biz (whom he claims to sound like, a fact that is not particularly complimentary to either one).  He doesn’t have a record label but he’s associated with FilthyDirty Productions and his recordings live up to the name. 

In the interests of research for my readers, I unselfishly listened to the five recordings that he currently has on his website.  Actually, I had to listen to several of them more than once because you can barely understand anything he says on some of those tracks.  You’ll notice that I have not referred to any of them as “songs.”  That wasn’t unintentional. 

First we have Far Away, most of which is too dirty to reprint.  I think it’s about a road trip in a ’96 Lincoln and it starts with talk about K-Y jelly and his girlfriend – at least I hope it’s his girlfriend and not his mother.  In Untouchable at least he makes an attempt to rhyme: “You wish you had this…celebrity status.”  The ditty called Bring The Heat is the most incomprehensible of the lot, although it’s clearly about “weed.”  I assume that his lawn needs mowing because he claims that, in reference to the weed(s),”It’s higher than a choir; higher than a telephone wire.”  That’s a pretty serious crabgrass problem.

Speaking of serious problems, the rhyming in his ode to alcoholism, Here’s A Toast, gets downright desperate (as does his subject matter): 
my conscience is disregarded
trying to get in someone’s daughter
and party like we outta.”

Also indicative of his artistic style is his complete and utter disregard for spelling, capitalization, punctuation or pesky grammar as demonstrated in the title, Lets smoke snipet.   He’s in rare form here with lyrics:
“When the weed kicks in I took the blunt like a twizzler,
let it cook like a sizzler,
must be Mary’s twin sister,
so hit it like a mister…..

OK, he’s not exactly Robert Frost. 

The point of all this is, that a serious and studious writer such as myself can’t allow herself to get her blog SEO jacked by a playa hater like Dora Johnson or some kid in a Louisville basement.   I mean, that’s just whack!   Don’t you agree?

Are we having fun yet?

36 comments:

  1. Thank you for helping to raise my consciousness on the important subject of rhyme in "artistic" forms such as "music." I used to think that Country Music lyricists were the worst offenders.

    "You've let me sing your praises, world, and harp about your faults / Thank you world for letting me contribute to the cause." (Statler Brothers, "Thank You World.")

    "I found a love sweet and young out in the big open / Deep in the land of stars that shine bright like the heart she wore." (BoDeans, "Texas Ride Song.")

    But trying to convince me that "disregard," "daughter," and "outta," all rhyme may hit a new low.

    However, I must admit to having just seen (over about ten days) motion picture theater encores of the Metropolitan Opera's recent live productions of the Richard Wagner masterpiece, "The Ring Cycle." Maybe it was in the translation from the German, but I don't recall a single rhyme in about 15 solid hours and four complete operas of non-stop singing.

    I'm not sure that's a record, because I faithfully listen to Garrison Keiller, founder of P.O.E.M. (Professional Association of English Majors), host of the daily radio feature, "The Writer's Almanac," and the star, host and principal writer on "Prairie Home Companion," who hasn't written a righteous rhyme for an original song or parody in nearly 38 years of broadcasting.

    For Mr. Keiller, I think it is a source of pride. For the nameless dude at "Its Biz Bitch Radio," I think it's probably a sad statement on the condition of public education today and the decay of our culture. Or maybe it's just stupidity.

    At any rate, you can't make this stuff up, and I appreciate your dedication to this kind of reporting.

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  2. OMG, this is too hilarious for words!!!

    I thought you were kidding until I went to that rap site. You were absolutely right, girlfriend. I can’t understand a damn thing that fellow is saying. It’s so overproduced it sounds like he’s shouting obscenities into a toilet. It wasn’t until I heard him mention the K-Y at the very beginning of “Far Away” that I realized you were not making a single word of this up, right down to FilthyDirty Productions.

    How can you have a sense of humor about this? If it were me I would be on the first plane to Louisville with a baseball bat.

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  3. I love Bowling for Soup, especially chicken with rice, because tomato really makes a mess on the lanes. Really a shame.

    What threw me for a loop was not being able to find where to hire a dominatrix on your website. What do you charge per hour, Kay "The Chain" Lorraine? I need to get my husband in line. Come to think of it, I need a job. Have any openings?

    Oh yeah, if you ever happen to meet up with the kid in that basement in St. Louis, take a camera with you. We could use some entertainment around here. I got my money on you!!!

    Liz Z.
    Cowering behind a chair in So Cal.

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  4. Duh. St. Louis? I gotta stop reading and writing late at night. My apologies to the good folks in St. Louis. I meant Louisville. Almost the same, but fewer dominatrices and mondo arches.

    Liz Z.
    (Again. This time red-faced and hiding in the bathroom!)

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  5. hi Kay, thanks for sharing your experience which i'm sure can happen to any of us. We need to be aware also of misuse and use of our namesakes.I really appreciate your effort and honesty in putting up this article.

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  6. I SO love your style of writing. I apologize for not visiting here more regularly. Thanks Kay! See at LinkedIn.

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  7. May be you need to Feng Shui your blog. Now that is a new business idea. What do you think?

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    Replies
    1. Lubna, that is a hilarious idea! I'll get right on it.

      Kay

      Delete
  8. Wow - a great lesson in branding! I love the way you approach what could be a very upsetting discovery and possible serious impact on your product with humor and some proactive measures (it wouldn't have occured to me to contact interNIC, I would've just rolled my eyes and moved on - good for you!)

    As always, your blog is informative and entertaining!

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  9. Wow Kay! What else could I expect from you. Funny stuff. I'm surprised that recording artists hadn't ranked higher before. But then again, they are not as committed to their SEO space and ranking. No dominatrix from Australia should be allowed to "beat" you in SEO...although she might have fun trying...

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    1. Coretta, the fact that you have used the word "artist" tells me that you have never listened to his recordings.

      Also, although I didn't include it in my original posting, Two months ago SYC SQUAD reppin KAUTOUZFLOWS also creeped into my SEO territory singing (singing?) “It aint nun ya biz bitch” on YouTube. The indignity of it!

      Delete
  10. You should think about reviewing other people's blogs. Your honest feedback is refreshing and funny but also helpful to bloggers.
    I think you probably gave these sites some traffic.

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    Replies
    1. One does what one can, JP. And Mr. K-Y rapper can use all the help he can get.

      Delete
  11. Too funny! But the truth I take away is that on occasion, we might want to search out our company name or blog name to see what others who might use something similar, are up to! And if it's half as good as what you found, it would be terrific new material for networking conversations.

    Patricia from LinkedIn

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  12. Now that is just plain rude on their parts. At least the other sites could be a little more imaginative, rhythmic or understandable ... but wait, you did say something about weeds, animals and people .... LOL.

    In all seriousness. It does behoove us to check to see what company we keep when we search our own URL.

    I love your humor and this post. :), Susan Cooper

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  13. Love your post Kay!

    What a company you are in!! Can hardly believe it. Maybe one day you will get proposals to go and dominate someone on the other side of the world:-)Or asked to record a demo with one of the guys songs about dope. Good luck!!

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    1. The guy from Louisville would be lucky to have me on one of his tracks. After all, I made my living as a professional singer for many years. We could sing, "Strangers in the Night" - with his part perhaps a bit "stranger" than most. LOL

      Delete
  14. It's amazing what research will uncover Kay. As one of your readers, I'd like to personally thank you for sacrificing your time and delving into the darker and deeper side of Biz Bitch websites. Your efforts resulted in a fun and enlightening (somewhat) post. :)

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  15. Kay -- amusing post about a serious subject. I've wondered whether you've found that using the term "bitch" has sometimes attracted the wrong kind of visitors to your site. It's startling, no doubt, and has you at the top of the search engines. What has your experience been over time?

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    1. Thanks for asking that, Jeannette!

      From the beginning I have had a policy of free speech on my blog. I do not "moderate" comments. I allow people to post anonymously. I never delete anything, ever.

      In my years of writing this blog (since the fall of 2009) I have never received one single piece of spam. I have never received a single dirty comment (other than my own, of course) and I have never gotten a stalker. Of course, some of that could be due to my advanced age and recent weight gain. No one wants to stalk me any more. Bummer!

      If you look under my photo, you will find that I openly discuss the controversy of the Biz Bitch name. In fact, I openly discuss pretty much everything. I'm all about full transparency.

      Hey, maybe I should write a blog about that!

      Delete
  16. Oh my goodness--he's not Robert Frost for sure! I love your sense of humor here! I also love that you took the step to report the sites. Good for you! And what a great way of turning lemons to lemonade by making a post about it!

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  17. LMAO! This is hilarious post. You are for sure right to report that site so that it wouldn't hurt your ranking. I mean search engines is all about quality, and clearly those porn sites are not "quality" haha.

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    1. Unfortunately Harrison, now that the porn site has been taken down you'll never get a chance to judge for yourself whether it was a "quality" site or not. Sorry about that.

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  18. What a bloody great post I loved it.......thanks for dropping by my humble blog and offering up your words of wisdom and advice.........

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  19. From Urban Dictionary:
    1. Biz Bitch 3 up, 2 down
    A high-powered woman with a fast-paced, high profile career; the Manhattan maneater who knows her way around the boardroom and the bedroom. To her, the mommy track is life's third rail: she wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole. Nope, she's out to prove that women CAN have it all: beta hubby, kid in the private Harvard-feeder preschool, the Gramercy Park brownstone and the house in the Hamptons.

    :-) Thanks for stopping by my blog..

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, I saw that too. If I'm such a Manhattan maneater, how come I'm living in Hawaii and renting? Oh, wait... I'm renting BECAUSE I'm living in Hawaii where gas is $5 a gallon (only slightly cheaper than milk) and none of us can afford anything.

      I never had a house in the Hamptons but I did have a place in Aspen. Does that count?

      Delete
  20. Kay, this was hilarious. I don't think I've heard a better description of the MySpace "artists" who think that by adding "biz" and "bitch" in any order to anything they're doing, that it will make up for illiteracy, poor song structuring and bad music. They should leave the words "Biz" and "Bitch" to true professionals like yourself.

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    Replies
    1. Uhmmmmm, thank you -- I think. LOL

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  21. so funny! well, we need to keep the porners around or there might not be an internet. Thanks for stopping by my little site!

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  22. We're having fun now! At least your SEO competition was entertaining.

    Another cool band name? The Well Hungarians.

    Thanks for visiting my blog!

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    Replies
    1. Wow! An excellent, excellent name!

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  23. Wow Kay! Well at least I know if I Google you now and see some blonde dominatrix in kinky leather I'll be sure to remember it's not you! :)

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  24. LOL. I had to laugh at this. I own a company called Our Home Tea L.L.C.
    When one looks up "tea" in general, what do they find? The "Tea Party". Now I don't really care what the political "Tea Party" does as long as it is legal but they have been the bane of the tea industry for awhile now!!!

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  25. Kay it is good to know in these trying times that you will never go broke. You can can make a killing selling dominatrix sex toys from your site. No need for capital outlay just mail them bits of chain or leather.

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  26. ROFLOA, I read and comment on four or more blogs a day. This one sure made my day.

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  27. The hardest part of getting to the comment section of your blog is that there are so many great comments after your initial post. I laugh as loud at some of them (as I did with your original blog), yet by the time I get here, I need to go back to the top and re-read your blog to hit on the specifics that intrigued me along the way.

    As someone that prides himself in the music business, as an aspiring marketing and promotions guy, I am perpetually flummoxed by what qualifies as music, and how complete crap can go viral, while complete brilliance will never be found.

    "The ditty called Bring The Heat is the most incomprehensible of the lot, ”It’s higher than a choir; higher than a telephone wire.” That’s a pretty serious crabgrass problem." Hahahaha, indeed it is, but possibly the most rhyming of all of his work. I hesitate to elaborate in greater depth on this individual, as he is close enough to me geographically that he might appear at one of my monthly Songwriter gatherings I host.

    Bowling For Soup ... I'm thinking if the publishers of Chicken Soup For The _________, this band, and the PBA got together, this could really launch their career. I once knew a band named Rock Soup, I think they came closer to striking than say, Cream Of Mushroom would.

    All of this does make me wonder whether I need to lower my standards and toss out ethics and go gangsta, as they seem to be living larger than me (by far).

    Thanks for the observations and profound lessons Kay. I think I will look into hooking up with Dora Johnson and reevaluating my career goals.

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